Combine fresh blueberries, sugar, and lemon juice in a saucepan over medium heat. Stir constantly for about 5 minutes until the berries start breaking down and the mixture becomes syrupy. You'll hear it bubble a little and smell that amazing blueberry-lemon aroma — that's when you know it's ready. Remove from heat and let it cool completely.

While your blueberry sauce cools, whip the heavy cream in a large bowl using an electric mixer at high speed for 2-3 minutes until stiff peaks form. Don't walk away during this step — I learned that the hard way when I got distracted and ended up with basically butter. The cream should look thick and fluffy when you're done.

In a separate bowl, beat the softened cream cheese, vanilla extract, and salt together until completely smooth. This takes maybe 1 minute with the mixer — don't skip beating it because any lumps will show up in your final texture. The mixture should look pale and creamy.

Gently fold the cream cheese mixture into the whipped cream using a spatula, being careful not to deflate all those beautiful air bubbles you just created. Fold slowly and only until no streaks of white remain — this is where your no churn blueberry swirl ice cream gets its magic creaminess.

Pour the condensed milk into the cream mixture and fold gently until fully combined, about 10-15 folds. The mixture should look thick and pale at this point. Transfer half of this mixture to a 9x5 loaf pan (or any freezer-safe container about that size).

Drizzle half of your cooled blueberry mixture across the cream layer, then swirl it through with a knife or spatula using figure-8 motions — don't overwork it or you'll lose those pretty swirls. Top with the remaining cream mixture, then swirl the rest of the blueberry sauce through.

Sprinkle the toasted almond slivers on top, then cover with plastic wrap and freeze for at least 6 hours (overnight is even better). Once frozen solid, scoop and serve immediately — the no churn blueberry swirl ice cream melts faster than the machine-made stuff, which honestly means it tastes creamier.